This is just for me. Don't read it. Or do. I don't care that much—I did put it on my blog after all. But it's going to ramble and it's nothing new.
For a few months, I've been working on programming side projects. Then, all of a sudden it started feeling like a chore and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I've pretty much stopped posting on social media, or even looking at it. I started seeing in myself that I was pretty much doing things so that I could post about it so that I could get validation from others. I was making things just to show off. I didn't like that. But then I started thinking, why even do it? So I stopped. Burnout.
When I burn out, the pendulum swings. For me, the two sides are basically tech and low-tech. So then I start feeling like I need to do zero programming and do something low-tech. But something still wants to create—or at least feels like I should want to create. I tell myself it's okay to do nothing, but I don't think I believe it.
My latest endeavor is drawing, again. Every couple of years I toy with the idea of trying to get good at drawing. I usually give up, realizing how much work that actually is. Then the pendulum swings again. Right now, I already feel defeated. Like, I know the pendulum will swing again, so why even try? I want to do nothing. Like nothing nothing. I feel frantic. I keep grasping for things, hoping to find whatever will keep me interested or drive me. But I have no idea, so I end up empty-handed.
Intellectually, I think it's fine for the pendulum to swing. Variety is good. But emotionally, it feels awful. I would like to feel like I'm moving forward, but I really feel like I'm going off in twelve directions and always ending back where I started—a perpetual state of burnout. I'm kinda concerned about why and how often the pendulum does swing. Like I wish I could just be content, but I'm not. I'm not sure how to get to a point where creating for myself or being intrinsically motivated is enough for me. But I'd like to? Just do things for the sake of doing them? Just for fun? In this economy?
Just rethinking things. Trying to figure out who I want to be when I grow up. I don't know. I'm just exhausted. Fun post, huh?